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How to Be Poor #2: A Night on the Town


Even the poor deserve a night out on the town. Spending the entire week going to your crappy job, coming home to your crappy apartment and not having much more to do than drink a couple beers and have a crappy sleep can really pile onto the depression that’s already rarin’ to crash down on you like a flying elbow drop from Randy Savage. Saturday rolls around and you and your squeeze want to maybe live it up a little, but some bad investments, lack of any real career oriented skills and/or a drinking problem has you still pinching pennies together. Well, my friends, you might not be able to attend that ball you’ve wanted to go to, but there are plenty of ways for a couple poor schmo’s to have a lovely evening in your fair city! The fair city in which I so meekly live in is St. Louis, so my guide will include some specific landmarks here and there, but I’m sure you can use your imagination and transplant something specific to your hometown.

The Importance of Paltry Nutrition

First thing you want to do is have a little lunch. I recommend something light because my guide will mostly consist of drinking alcohol because, as a rule, I like to party. If you’re looking for a day of fun sobriety go the fuckin’ art museum or something. Anyway, you don’t want to be too bogged down by a heavy lunch because you want to be light on your feet and have plenty of room for booze. You do want to keep in mind that drinking without food will inevitably lead to barfing, and no one wants to barf, so the trick is finding something that works for you that will put you somewhere in the middle. Now that you’re energized, wearing your best shirt, your old lady finally out of the bathroom and you’re ready to rock like a hurricane. Where to first? I highly recommend you start your afternoon with a tour of the Anheuser-Busch brewery tour, one of the highlights of free shit in the Gateway City.

I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking, “Kind sir, brewery tours are boring as all get out and are only for old fogies. Why the brewery tour?”

I’ll tell you. While brewery tours are in fact one of the most boring things in the world, most of them give out complimentary beers at the end, which is something worth waiting for. This tour in particular even gives you the option of cutting out of the tour early to get your hands on those free barley pops!  They know what’s up.  So you can take the entire tour and be bored to death if that’s your thing, or if you’re like me and you’re only in it for the free swill, then you just head back to the tap room after they show you the Clydesdales. Two free beers for ten minutes of horse facts?  I’ll take that deal any day. Plus, you can sit in the comfy room they have set up and make fun of peoples’ haircuts or something. Always fun.

Mallards & Cheap Vodka

Now that you’ve scored you’re free starter beers, you have two good options. One, if you live in St. Louis, you go the zoo.  The St. Louis Zoo has free admission, cheapish beer and very high quality care given to the animals.  Do some research on your zoo; many have awful conditions for their animals, if you care about that. If the zoo option fits your bill, get your ass in there and look at the penguins! If you do not have a zoo, head to the nearest park in town, preferably the one with the best duck action. Tower Grove Park probably as the best in town. You grab some bread and feed the ducks and look like goddamn Rudolph Valentino to your gal. I mention the animal related events because girls love animals, and nothing makes for a good evening that having your old lady happy and not pissed off because you don’t have enough money to see the Ryan Gosling picture.

This particular duck is called James.

After the ducks and the girls are happy, you make your way to your favorite restaurant for a romantic dinner. Unless your favorite restaurant is Pizza Hut or something, then you need more help than I can provide. I recommend a dimly lit, laid back kind of joint. For two reasons, the romanticism of course, and the fact you’ll be bringing your own booze into the place. I didn’t mention that? OK, my bad, don’t forget to pack your flask. I go with vodka, as it blends well with most everything and it’s more inconspicuous that other spirits. Once again we may be getting into a question of morals. If you feel guilty then you can generously tip your waitress, as you should anyway, you dick. I recommend ordering a couple lemonades and then you wait for the opportune moment to spike ‘em with your sneaky booze, as we call it. Now it’s a party!

Onto the main course. The continue staying on the cheap side of things, you must consolidate your orders. This shouldn’t be any problem, because if you’re as poor as me, then your shame left the building a long time ago. Also, keep in mind that most restaurants’ orders these days are insanely over-portioned.  You always think you can handle the bigger size but you never can. Very wasteful thinking. We generally order a combo of French fries and a big salad to share.  When people see you sharing your food they think your just a sweet couple, their first though isn’t that your broke as shit. Plus, if you’ve been following my guide, you’ll be pretty drunk by now and you won’t really feel the hunger or shame anyway.

Wrap it up

The evening has progressed swimmingly. If you’ve followed my steps, you’ve spent no more than 25 clams, and if you’re lucky enough to be in walking distance to all of the night’s events, then you’re probably feeling pretty good. If you’re driving, obviously you should take it easy on the sneaky booze. To cap the night off you’ll want to find something fun to end on a high note. Our pastime of choice at this time of the night is going home and using our neighbor’s unsecured WIFI connection to stare at Lop-Eared Bunnies on Tumblr or Dave Chappelle clips on Youtube for a couple of hours while we drink boxed wine. If you’re not as lucky to have a neighbor who can’t figure out how to secure his internet, you get creative. I mean give me a break; I can only lead you so far before you need to start thinking for yourself.

One Comment leave one →
  1. 01.18.2012 3:17 pm

    Love this! The Macho Man, boxed wine and not so fine dining all in one post. You will no doubt make a fortune at this.

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