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How to Be Poor #3: Stay Warm in the Winter

01.23.2012

Turn on the stovetop for a quick pick me up.

Winter is the hardest season for poor folk for a number of reasons, the toughest being staying warm in the chattering cold.  That wind hitting your face, the chapped lips, the frozen toes.  Once the holidays are over, there’s really nothing to call a positive about the New Year winter.  There’s no baseball being played, no girls in their summer clothes, nothin’.  It can be easy to overcome the down sides if you have a nice warm furnace cranked up, a cuddle dog and a good book.  Thing is, and the reason I write these things, I don’t have a nice warm furnace, my landlord doesn’t allow dogs and I can’t find anything I want to read right now.

Just turn on the heat, right?  I would very much love to, but my furnace may as well be run by a small orphan from Oliver Twist tossing coal in an old soot covered basement.  I think the maintenance fees and room and board for an orphan would be cheaper than what Laclede Gas charges me.  You can get lucky by having your parents give you one of their space heaters, but the thing sparks when you plug it into the wall and throws a breaker.  Then you have to go find the fuse box in your swampy dungeon basement with the furnace from Home Alone scaring the shit out of you.

Hello Kevin!

Someone once mentioned that I should just turn my oven on for a while.  Really?  I think I’d rather be cold than let my place fill up with gas and kill us in our sleep.  That window plastic shit might work for you, but if I’m using my apartment as a template for these articles, then you probably have walls that seem to be insulated with Triscuit crackers so throwing some saran wrap on the windows probably isn’t going to do much good.  You can start a fire in the alley like a vagrant, and while starting fires is cool, most neighborhoods frown upon the act of doing so.  You can go hang out at St. Louis Bread Co with the rest of the crazy hobos that hang out there.  This is probably the best choice, but once the employees start recognizing you as one of the homeless guys, it’s a little disheartening.

So it looks like there really isn’t much we can do to escape the cold, huh?  Well, I guess your right.  There is one thing I’ve found in my studies that does work at least a little.  That is the infamous “Bum Coat”.  Drinking a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 keeps the homeless guys a few blocks away warm, why can’t it work for you?  Don’t act like your too good for the bum coat.  It’s really the only way to get through the harsh winter months.  So bundle up in your snuggie and wool socks and crack open a few beers!  You’ll get a little warmer or you just won’t be able to feel that you’re cold, because you’re drunk instead.  Don’t fret, spring will come and with it will be warm rooms and baseball seasons to watch.  Just don’t get frostbite first, because that is not baller.

Nothin' wrong with a Snuggie!

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One Comment leave one →
  1. playfulpups permalink
    04.13.2012 8:57 pm

    I hear ya! I had to chuckle reading this cuz I got everything you said. We moved down south about 9 months ago- haven’t missed the cold one bit! Winter’s about over now 🙂

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